I'm not OK

Being depressed is something I don't understand. At least I didn't, until now.

We found out yesterday that we are having boy #3. And I have barely stopped crying since. I'm so confused. I don't even know why I am so upset. Am I going to love this baby any less because he is male? Absolutely not. However, letting go of all of the dreams of being a mom to a girl has been more difficult than I ever imagined. They all seem so stupid and superficial, yet I feel like each one of them is breaking my heart, piece by piece.

I'll never get to dress my daughter from head to toe in pink, including headband.
I won't get to see my husbands heart get melted by his daughter.
I won't be buying any of those ugly plaid jumpers for Catholic school that make my heart melt.
I'll never get to take my daughter to ballet instead of soccer.
I'll never get to take her to buy a prom dress.
I won't get the chance to see her brothers size up her dates.
I'll never be able to have a mother/daughter spa day.
I won't get to talk to her about the man of her dreams.
I won't get to help her plan her wedding.
I won't get to see her dad walk her down the aisle.
I will probably have grandchildren, but I won't be the one getting the first phone call.
And on and on.

I feel so stupid for all of this. But it hurts. Literally hurts.

I have mentioned to a few friends of mine that I haven't bonded as much with this pregnancy. I am not super excited. Is it because I knew it was a boy? I don't know. But all of that is behind me now because I am worried about something else. My OB ordered a more detailed ultrasound at the hospital. I didn't think anything of it when she ordered it, but then my mind started racing. Hubby was with me and said she really didn't seem concerned, but the reason she wrote for ordering the ultrasound was "fetal anomaly". WTF? Is there something wrong with my baby and she didn't want to alarm us since we had JJ with us? Is that verbiage just something to make the insurance pay the claim? It' been eating at me all night. The guilt is horrendous. I am feeling like if there is something wrong with this baby, it is my fault. I am to blame. I should have done a million things better.

I can't take it. I feel like I can't breathe. The sadness and the guilt are overwhelming.

And I am not OK.