I'm still alive!!

Holy Crap! Has it been almost 2 months since I have posted? Where has the time gone???

I have been super busy with JJ's school, sick kids, being sick myself and trying to get my act together for a certain holiday which is right around the corner and I am totally not ready for. Ugh.

I only have a few minutes, so I'll just post a couple of updates.

JJ is still doing fantastic in school. Even though this has been a big financial burden for us, I will never regret making this decision. Watching him grow both in his academics and religion is so fufilling as a parent. He is also literally growing up! He is getting his permanent teeth in front and is getting taller by what seems like the minute. He is super excited to meet his new baby brother and loves to give me hugs and kiss my belly. It's really sweet.

The Shadow is a baby no more! This kid is amazing. He is such a joy. Everyone can't help but love him to pieces. He is growing tall, too and if you saw him, you would never know he just turned 2. Especially if you heard him talk. He speaks in full sentences. He carries on conversations with you like a little adult. He loves to sing. I caught him on video the other day singing "It's raining, it's pouring. The old man is snoring. Went to bed, bumped his head. Couldn't get up in the morning." I don't know how he knows all of the words, but he does. He is the kindest, most loving kid I know. He loves his daddy and mommy so much it makes my heart so full. His brother and him have their moments, but they are getting along better too.

My belly is growing as well! I am 6.5 months along. Only 10 weeks to go...YIKES! I guess I am ready. What do you need when you are having your third child of the same sex?? I have been checking out new stroller, as I certainly could use one of those. But I am pretty much set with everything else. I am struggling with insomnia, but I guess that is to be expected. Thank GOD for my Snoogle pillow. I don't know what I would do without it.

So, all in all, we are doing well. One of my favorite movies is Hope Floats. In it, the grandmother says as she hugs her granddaughter "My cup runneth over."

That about sums it up for me. My cup runneth over. I know. Enough with the sappy already...

Back to our regularly scheduled blog

I'm over it. I feel so much better now. Not that I don't get a pull at my heart every now and then, but the moments of pure insanity are gone, thank goodness.

The ultrasound went well. Everything looks good, I was just measuring big for my dates. I know my original due date (3/3) was correct, however I was 10-14 days early with my first two, so I guess I just bake them quicker :) I am now due on 2/22. That is about what I was figuring anyway.

I am so glad to have that all behind me.

So, remember the smelly kids I told you about from our carpool? I am beginning to think that they are going to be a thorn in my side for quite a while. For the second weekend in a row, the dad has dropped the kids off at our ranch unannounced and left. A 4th grader & a 1st grader. Drops them off. Without speaking to an adult. Without a phone call to ask if they can come over. Nothing. I guess we are the built in babysitters now? What the F is this all about.

I have to admit, these kids annoy the shit out of me.

• They STINK. I guess I can over look that since I don't let them come in the house to play. And really, it's not their fault. I just can't imagine that they don't get teased unmercifully by the kids at school.
• They have zero manners. They just barge in and out of mine & my MIL's house as they see fit. I mean, JJ does this too, but it's his house. Not theirs. And they do it WITHOUT JJ being around. It's not like they are following him.
• They baby talk. Both of them. It drives me insane and I am constantly on JJ's behind not to follow suit. My almost 2 year old who talks constantly is less annoying then them.
• They act like I am a wicked witch when I tell them not to do something. Hello...We have rules at this house. If you don't like it, there is the dirt road home.

I am also super pissed at the parents of these kids. How dare they think that they can just drop them both off? I don't mind the little boy being there at all, but the little girl needs to stay home or go to her own friends house. I don't want to have to entertain her and she antagonizes the boys like no other and they fight when she is around. I don't want to have to be the referee.

They had to go and ruin my day that started perfectly yesterday. JJ stayed with MIL and The Shadow woke up when the hubby got up, so he took him out with him. I went back to sleep and slept until 9:30. It was heaven! I haven't done that in so long. I certainly needed it.

So, I guess that is about it for now. I will have to think of a somewhat civil way to tell the neighbor that I am not his fucking free babysitter.

Slowly Healing

These past few days have been rough for me. I have always thought of myself as the strong one. The one who can always get a grip. For the first time that I can remember, I felt like I was flailing wildy about, unable to compose myself or even fake it. It wasn't pretty.

My husband, bless his big heart. I love that man so. I have never seen him so concerned for me. He would do whatever was in his power to make it better for me. "I love you and I feel so bad for you" was the best thing I have heard him say in years. Instead of thinking I was some stupid moron who thought she could change the inevitable, he allowed me to grieve. And for that, I will be forever indebted. He also said we could have another baby. We won't go there, since I have a feeling I could have 6 babies and they would all be boys. He also said we could adopt a baby girl. How sweet is that? Not something I would consider, but sweet nonetheless.

My sadness was prompted by my need to mourn for the daughter I will never have, but that in turn made me mad at myself for being that shallow. I didn't understand it. It was like an endless cycle that I couldn't break.

Today, while I was setting up my table for the big school luncheon tomorrow, I ran into an old friend. I haven't seen her for a long time. She has 3 boys and works full time, so our paths rarely seem to cross. Luckily they did today. We went out to lunch to catch up on old times and I found out just how much we have in common now. She could totally relate to my feelings. It's like I was reliving a chapter in her life. Her words were my words and she knows exactly what I am feeling. It was such a nice time and just what I needed.

This whole turn of events has brought me closer to friends that I really can count on. I was shown support through phone calls, emails & hugs, that lifted my spirits. They are bringing me out of the black hole I felt I was in. I don't feel like thank you is enough right now. They know who they are. My heart thanks you for your kindness. I hope I can help you when you are down the way you have helped me.

So, I have decided to drown the rest of my self-pity in PTA work. Nothing cures the blues like a bunch of competitive moms, right? You know I hate to lose :)

The ultrasound was uneventful. We won't know anything until tomorrow at the earliest.

I'm not OK

Being depressed is something I don't understand. At least I didn't, until now.

We found out yesterday that we are having boy #3. And I have barely stopped crying since. I'm so confused. I don't even know why I am so upset. Am I going to love this baby any less because he is male? Absolutely not. However, letting go of all of the dreams of being a mom to a girl has been more difficult than I ever imagined. They all seem so stupid and superficial, yet I feel like each one of them is breaking my heart, piece by piece.

I'll never get to dress my daughter from head to toe in pink, including headband.
I won't get to see my husbands heart get melted by his daughter.
I won't be buying any of those ugly plaid jumpers for Catholic school that make my heart melt.
I'll never get to take my daughter to ballet instead of soccer.
I'll never get to take her to buy a prom dress.
I won't get the chance to see her brothers size up her dates.
I'll never be able to have a mother/daughter spa day.
I won't get to talk to her about the man of her dreams.
I won't get to help her plan her wedding.
I won't get to see her dad walk her down the aisle.
I will probably have grandchildren, but I won't be the one getting the first phone call.
And on and on.

I feel so stupid for all of this. But it hurts. Literally hurts.

I have mentioned to a few friends of mine that I haven't bonded as much with this pregnancy. I am not super excited. Is it because I knew it was a boy? I don't know. But all of that is behind me now because I am worried about something else. My OB ordered a more detailed ultrasound at the hospital. I didn't think anything of it when she ordered it, but then my mind started racing. Hubby was with me and said she really didn't seem concerned, but the reason she wrote for ordering the ultrasound was "fetal anomaly". WTF? Is there something wrong with my baby and she didn't want to alarm us since we had JJ with us? Is that verbiage just something to make the insurance pay the claim? It' been eating at me all night. The guilt is horrendous. I am feeling like if there is something wrong with this baby, it is my fault. I am to blame. I should have done a million things better.

I can't take it. I feel like I can't breathe. The sadness and the guilt are overwhelming.

And I am not OK.

Heaven tastes like Sweet Onions, I know it.

Have you ever had these???

These little chips from heaven that are so good people are willing to spend over $10 a bag on eBay for them???

I have. I am freaking hooked. They are fantastic.

Don't be fooled by the impostors. The ones that catch your eye with the words KETTLE CHIP blazoned across the front. Oh no. Those are crap. They should say KETTLE SHIT on the front because that is what they taste like.

The Tim's chips? They are FABULOUS!! Ifyou can get your hands on them, DO IT!

Luckily I found a grocery store in our area that carries them and they carry Pirate Booty. I am forever indebted to that store. So what if they don't have a deli and their meat selection sucks. They carry my kettle chips, so there I will shop.

At least while I am pregnant and I have to have them.

Things I just don't understand

I just don't get it.

I am a firm believer in God. But sometimes, he confuses me.

I know. Everything happens for a reason. I usually don't think God gives people more than they can handle.

Then things like this happen and I question everything.

Take Julia for instance. How much more can this woman take. 11 pregnancies resulting in only one baby? And now, pregnancy #12 is in jeopardy? Why? How? Her writing is just so raw. I am amazed by her. Her family is in my prayers.

One of my friends just announced her pregnancy, only to turn around and start bleeding enough to go to the Dr. I am so scared for her. She has been trying for so long. She is an awesome mom and deserves to have another child. I pray everything works out for them.

My cousin has been TTC for almost a year now. She has been to a specialist and has been taking different approaches to try and get pregnant. She found out this month that she has a small cyst on her ovary and they want to put her back on birth control to see if that will make it go away. I am so sad for her. Her and her husband will be such great parents.

Why is this? Why? When there are so many women out there who have unwanted pregnancies. I don't understand.

I admire these women so much. I don't know how they continue on the emotional roller coaster. I don't know how they find the strength to persevere. Then fate steps in and deals them yet another blow. So unfair. I keep them in my prayers. I think about them often. I wish them the best.

And I pray that all of them can hold babies in their arms soon.

October 12th

That is the big day. The day we get to find out if our last child will be a boy or a girl.

I really don't have a clue what I am having. I just knew that The Shadow was a boy from day one. I knew JJ was a boy too, even though they couldn't tell during the ultrasound. This time, nothing.

Maybe it's because I don't want to feel disappointed if it is another boy? Not that I think I will be. I know it's completely out of my hands. I will be happy with a healthy baby of either sex. I really will be. Now stop asking me.

We (OK, I) already have names picked out for either sex. If it is a girl, then I have a TON of stuff to sell on Ebay. Lots of baby boy outfits that I worked hard to find. Hopefully someone else will get good use out of them and I will make a few bucks to put towards buying adorable girl clothes like these or these.

What? A mother can dream, can't she?

This is going to be the longest month of my life.